Wednesday, May 18, 2011

7 weeks and time to check in

Today I went for my 7 week check up with my surgeon.  I have lost 40 pounds in 7 weeks, and I have not had to have my band filled yet.  I was told "wow, I don't think I've ever had someone that lost so much in such a short time with no fill."  I am proud but humble at the same time.  Even writing it here makes me think I am bragging, telling everyone I have done so well.  But in addition to that, hovering on the horizon, are all of these other thoughts.  Well of course you've lost so much, you were so fat.  Fat people lose more quickly then people with less to lose.  And all the other insidious thoughts like "you are surely going to gain it all back."  I am afraid if I celebrate someone will come to me and tell me it was all a lie.  Gosh, how much these food issues permeate who and what I am, or who and what they want me to be.  But in the end, I have lost 40 pounds, and I hope to never put that back on again. 

What has food come to mean to me?  Well, it's not the end all and the be all anymore.  I was at work the other day and watched one of my smaller co-workers nuking her lunch.  I looked into her food container and saw what was leftovers.  They barely covered the bottom of the container.  She poked at it for a second before putting it into the microwave.  I thought to myself "AHA, that is how normal people eat!!"  Then I looked at my small container of food and realized that, yes, that is going to fill me up!!  It's surreal that I can eat 850 calories a day and not be hungry. As I told my surgeon today, "if nothing else, I am a rule follower."  Eat only 3-4 ounces of food??? You got it!  Don't drink with meals?? No problem!!  No bread?  Right on it!!  Seems like following the rules like a good girl is working for me.

So onwards and upwards to the next weeks, months and years of continuing success for me!   More updates to come.  Baby steps the whole way through.